~Leerimuna

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About Me Member New Artist LeerimunaUnited States

Recent Activity Deviant for 1 Year
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WW2: Advices to dictator
by *Phobs

D Gray Man - Linali
by ~evalime

Moukemono: Surrounded
by *kitten-chan

Moriko
by `thundercake

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Devious Info

Current Residence: LOST
Interests: Le dessin... l'Écriture... la Lecture
Favourite genre of music: Pop-rock
Favourite artist: Karl Kerschl ehm...Jamie Hewlett

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Comments

~Poet1960 Jun 13, 2009, 7:46:35 PM

Thanks for the

on Ion Storm.

--
“Any society that would give up a little liberty to gain a little security will deserve neither and lose both.”– Benjamin Franklin

My Blog - [link]
Poets Window Forum - [link]

~jessicavonpaint May 17, 2009, 11:11:19 AM

Thank you for the fav!

~Leerimuna May 23, 2009, 6:12:48 PM

You're welcome!

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GAH! I'm such a tool!

*The-Wall-flower May 16, 2009, 4:11:45 PM

Thank you for the story fav and watch. :3
I hope you enjoy my future work.
Please feel free to constructively critique them, if you want.

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What’s a boy to do with a guy like him…?
Made For You – Boys Love Series

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_{The gorgeous icon is by ~kasaichi}

~Leerimuna May 16, 2009, 8:22:04 PM

You're welcome! I've read you're story Made For You before, and decided to start reading it again!
I really liked your peice but I would change a few things. Such as the length of the dialouges, they were a tad long with uneccisary information and with that it made the chapter a bit lengthy and diminished the readers intrest. Also there was a lot of repeated information that was already stated in previous chapters and they don't need to be restated.
"Cameron blinked. Something told him that Maxi wasn’t talking about the murals on the walls." Wasn't really needed for expanation, let the reader pick up on it.
I hope these suggestions will help better your piece! Good luck!

--
GAH! I'm such a tool!

*The-Wall-flower May 17, 2009, 7:49:19 AM

Really? Wow. xD

Holy crap critique, yay! : D
When you say too much length of dialogues, do you mean the actual dialogue itself, or the bits around it? Or is it both? ._. Either way, next time I'm editting older chapters, I'll keep that in mind and shave off as much excess as I can, including the needless "tell-not-show" stuff and the redundant repetition.

Thank you very much for the awesome advice.
You have no idea how much I appreciate it. :>

--
What’s a boy to do with a guy like him…?
Made For You – Boys Love Series

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_{The gorgeous icon is by ~kasaichi}

~Leerimuna May 23, 2009, 6:17:48 PM

Haha, you're welcome! Do you not get much critique?
And excellent, I'm glad you appreciated my advice! When I say that there was lenghty dialouges, I meant just shave around it and make it sharper!
Keep up the good work!

--
GAH! I'm such a tool!

*The-Wall-flower May 25, 2009, 6:47:19 AM

Unfortunately, no. But that's all right; the bits that I get here and there are extremely helpful. :3

And of course I do! Any advice to help improve is always appreciated. xD And thank you for clarifying a bit more; I'll do my best to make the dialogue sharper in both older and future chapters/stories.